Depression, avoidance and hallucinations — oh my!
I just came in from a cigarette and laid down on the floor of my apartment for almost an hour. Sasha very kindly kept me company, although I think she was just hoping for more belly rubs. She got them.
I’m not entirely sure why I laid on the floor; I’ve never done that before. I think I just needed a new perspective. I’ve been pretty much cooped up in my apartment since last Tuesday. Looking at the same things day in and day out can get tiresome. I’ve tried sitting in every possible place on the couch and armchair. I’ve paced the apartment, stood in one spot for ages, sat on the balcony for hours. Anything but lie in bed. Because once I lay down, I can’t get out. The Seroquel (200 mg) only does so much. Once I eventually fall asleep, I wake up numerous times throughout the night. Then, when it’s time to get up, I fall into a proper sleep and stay in bed until late afternoon. Yesterday I didn’t get out of bed until 5 pm. That wasn’t the first time this week.
So far it’s 1:30 am and I took my Seroquel at midnight. Yes, I realize I should have taken it earlier, but I only finished working at 10:30, so I wanted some time to relax. Anyway, the point is, it takes forever to kick in. And once it does, so do the cravings — for anything salty or sweet, preferably both, one after the other. Add that to the reasons I’m gaining weight like a pregnant lady.
The real problem though, is that even after cutting my drinking waaaaay back (as in, one drink in the last seven days), I’m still depressed. Very depressed.
I spent today working, and somehow also managed to make plans for the rest of the week. I just hope I can manage to keep them all. I’m seeing Dr. A on Tuesday and Barbara Streisand on Thursday — those double up weeks are always hard. Especially since I confessed my drinking issues to Barbara and now she’s trying to get me into all these addictions groups and such.
Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe, the future is pressing on me so hard. I feel like I can just barely make it through the day to day stuff, but when it comes to the future, I’m either blank or scared shitless. All the things I think I want seem so far away, so hard to achieve. I feel like I’ll never be able to hold it together long enough to get what I want. Sometimes it just feel so pointless. Sometimes the only thing I can do is think about ending it.
While I was smoking earlier, moments before I turned into a character from a Radiohead video, I went through all the plans I’d made for the week and how I could break them all without anyone getting mad at me. By the time I got up off the floor, I realized that I had to at least try to keep the plans. Obviously a week of me by myself isn’t doing me any good.
And to top it all off, I absolutely can’t stop picking at my thumbs. I’ve tried everything — bandages, applying cream constantly, friggin’ wearing gloves at all times. I can’t stop myself.
Oh, no wait, this is the topper — this morning I had two very lucid, audible hallucinations. The first was whispering on my right side (I was in bed, about half an hour after waking up) and the second was on my left, a very animalistic sound that scared me so much I literally hid under my covers. I’m actually a little afraid to go to sleep in case it happens again. As one of my AIM friends said, I shouldn’t freak out about it until after I talk to my doctor, so I’m trying to do that, but it’s hard not to get freaked out if it happens again. It was funny, when it happened, I lay in bed listening to the whispering, and I actually pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, and checked my radio and phone to make sure it wasn’t from that. The animal sound came from the side of the bed the closet is on, so either there’s something living in there and it’s angry, or I did really hear something.
It’s after 2 now, so I should probably go to bed. I’m having lunch with an AIM friend and then I should probably finish my grocery list. Maybe I’ll even have the energy for a workout. Who knows. I might not be able to get out of bed and will end up not doing any of that.
Tagged with: bipolar • depression • hallucinations • suicide