And here we are again. Once again my world is crashing down around me and I am powerless to stop it. A month ago, the guy I was seeing abruptly told me he just wanted to be friends, while he “figures things out” with his life. Fine. I thought we could actually be friends, but now I know we can’t. I want more. He doesn’t. I guess that’s that. Problem is, he’s integrated into the AIM group now, so I will be seeing him once in a while. I was fine with that before, but today I told him I want to cut contact. I figured I’d probably stay away from the AIM things for a while. But our mutual friend is part of a comedy night on Thursday so I’ll have to see him.

I guess that doesn’t sound as bad as it does to me. Whatever.

Anyway, on top of all that, I got way too drunk on Friday and have been paying the price all weekend. Luckily it’s a long weekend and I don’t have to worry about work tomorrow. Oh, right, I finally started that job, about a month ago. It’s going really well. Actually, it’s the only thing in my life right now that’s keeping me relatively sane.

Today I spent the whole day crying and avoiding phone calls. I stared at my bottles of meds for about an hour, wondering if I had the nerve to take them all. I haven’t been this depressed in a really long time. Thoughts of suicide, thoughts of wanting to get out of my head as quickly as possible, leave everything behind. If I wasn’t such a coward, I would have jumped off the balcony already.

I can’t take this anymore. I know if I tell my doctor about this, he’ll freak out about my meds not working and tell me I need ECT. He’s starting to wonder if I’m medication resistant and if I am, ECT is the only way to go. It scares the shit out of me.

I feel like I’ll never get to the point that I want to be at in my life. I know these are old worries, but they’re starting to be my breaking point. I’ll never find someone who’ll love me. I’ll never get married. I’ll never have children.

I’ll never find someone who’ll love me.

Why does that have to be so difficult for me? Why, when I finally find a great guy who understand the illness, does he suddenly decide he just wants to be friends? What is it about me that is so unloveable?

I can’t take it anymore.

And I don’t want to talk to anyone, not even my best friends. I’m hiding away, and being coccooned in my apartment is the only thing that I can handle right now.

I just want to stop feeling like this. Why is that so god damn hard?

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This entry was posted on Sunday, July 31st, 2011 at 9:06 pm and is filed under bipolar, dating, depression. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.