It’s probably a whole whack of things that have gotten me to this point. A few shitty days at work. A couple nights with far too much to drink. Weight gain. Boy problems. Mum and Dad not being around. Having slowly pushed my friends away. Feeling like everything is slipping away.

I’m sitting here in my apartment, crying, watching a video memorial for one of the hockey players who committed suicide this summer, watching grown men in the arena cry openly. Wishing I had his courage. Feeling like whatever courage I had that has kept me on this earth this long is leaving me slowly, pulled out of me by the ravages of everyday life. The tears flow harder when I think of my friends reading this, wondering why I don’t reach out. Wondering why I shut them out. I don’t know why. I can’t do it anymore. It’s like something broke in me last week, and now I can’t even pretend anymore. People at work are noticing. Every morning I just want to run back home the minute I’m in the office. Not that home is much better.

Managed to get a last minute appointment with Dr. A today, which was good. Started out strong but was sobbing by the end. He wants me to try the hospital again. I won’t. Another med change. Big surprise. But was good to cry. Now I can’t stop. Even Sasha’s scared. Probably good that Mum isn’t around. Too many missed calls and she’d be banging down the door.

Wish I could curl up and sleep forever.

This is the worst post ever. Probably gonna get some worried calls/texts/emails. I’m not gonna do anything stupid. I don’t have the guts, that much is obvious. Just needed to vent. To no one. Pretend you didn’t read this.

 

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