More bullshit

I had a pretty shit day at work today. It started on the weekend when I had a fever and sore throat — but not a regular sore throat, it was like there was a huge lump in my throat and it literally stopped me from eating and drinking for the second half of the long weekend. Happy Thanksgiving indeed. I went to the walk in this morning to find out I have a bacterial infection of the mouth and throat that may or may not clear up after a week or two at the earliest and I have to rinse with and swallow some really gross medicine three times a day until it’s gone.

Oh, and because I can’t swallow properly, I also have only been sporadically taking my meds over the past few days. Never a good idea.

Work was relatively okay, and the day was actually going by quickly. I had emailed the jerk who previously made me almost cry at work (we’ll call him Q, to make it simple) about some issues I wanted to talk to him about since my boss is away for a few days. He responded nicely enough, but somehow our email exchange turned into me trying to get something very simple set up to an account I’d created, and him literally berating me for wanting to set it up to a personal account, climaxing when he basically called me an idiot for not seeing the problem and then, when I set up a new “non-personal” account, with him saying, that wasn’t so hard now was it?

Okay, maybe this doesn’t sound so bad to an outsider. But if you knew this guy, you’d understand. I’d dare you to find one person in my office who thinks highly of him, or even thinks he’s a nice guy. (He doesn’t work in my office, by the way. He owns a separate company that we’re partnering with.) I would dare you, but I won’t because there’s no way you’d win.

It just sucked that I had to sit there and take it, and not have my boss there to get feedback from. Everyone else in the office is going through all their own shit, and of course when I’m feeling like shit I tend to close up and be the listener to everyone else’s problems.

So that was my bad day.

What upsets me most is how easily he can get to me. I keep telling myself, he doesn’t matter, his opinion of me doesn’t matter, it’s not just me who can’t stand him, I’m not blowing this out of proportion. But it still gets to me. Maybe because I’ve never had a “co-worker” (I put that in quotes because he wouldn’t deign to call me a co-worker, he’d call me an employee) who is so abrasive and snarky (and I’ve worked with huge egos in the banking industry) and never apologetic. When I get something right, he never comments on it. It’s only when I do something he deems wrong that he comes out of the woodwork to shit all over me.

On one hand, I know I need a thicker skin and that his comments don’t matter as long as my bosses say I’m doing a good job. And I know I’ve dealt with this shit before, from Q and many others, and have lived through it. But on the other hand, I’m bipolar, and I’m super frickin sensitive and it makes me feel even worse when I’m sitting at my desk trying not to burst out crying. Especially when the first thing I think of is, I should just quit, and the second thing is, It’s not even worth it and I should just die.

It’s really frustrating to go through life with that being one of the “solutions” that comes to mind. Even if I’m not feeling depressed (even though those times are few and far between these days), I still go there, automatically. It fucking sucks. I hate this. I want to scream and shout and punch holes in walls just to get all this emotion out of me. I’m so tired of hiding it every day, pretending everything is fine, and only feeling a release when I get way too drunk and inevitably do something stupid. Which of course ends up making me more depressed the next day.

Fuck.

This fucking sucks shit. Fuck fuck fuck.

 

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