Bell “Let’s Talk” day, and a general update

I’ve been trying to find the energy to write a post for a long time. Seems reasonable to finally do so on Bell Let’s Talk day. The goal of Let’s Talk is to end the stigma of mental illness by getting people to realize that they don’t have to hide their illnesses. Did you know that only 50% of people with a mental illness will share it with their families, while 87% of cancer patients will? I know first-hand how hard it is to tell your family you’re thinking about suicide.

Actually, I don’t.

I was too scared to tell them so I just tried to kill myself instead. It shouldn’t be that way. We shouldn’t have to worry so much. Look at me, I’ve been dealing with this since I was in high school, half my life. Yet I still can’t write this blog under my real name. What does that say?

Tonight CTV is premiering “’Darkness and Hope: Depression, Sports and Me,” a documentary featuring Michael Landsberg (TSN host), Clara Hughes (Olympic medalist), Stephane Richer (two-time Stanley Cup winner) and Darryl Strawberry (four-time World Series winner). While all are athletes, the subject matter can reach all of us, whether we suffer from mental illness or not.

Click here for more.

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For me, things have been wildly up and down. Well, more so wildly at par and down. Christmas was great, and none of the usual winter blahs accompanied it, which was lovely. Since then though, it’s been a bit of a turn for the worse. I screwed up and didn’t get an appointment with Dr. A until a month after my meds ran out, which I didn’t realize until I actually went in for the appointment when he said he hadn’t seen me in two months. I just wasn’t taking the meds. Not sure why. And now that I have my refills, I’m having this weird problem not being able to swallow them. It’s not the size of them – the only one I can take without gagging and choking (and eventually giving up and spitting it out) is the teeny-tiny Seroquel to sleep.

Because of this, I’m also experiencing some fabulous withdrawal side effects, most likely from the Cymbalta I started in November-ish. Similar effects as I had with Effexor withdrawal, though not as bad. Brain “zaps” and dizziness mostly.

Things culminated a couple of weeks ago. Not dramatically, but I was having some suicidal thoughts. Skipped work, didn’t shower for a few days and stayed holed up in my apartment, chain-smoking and watching bad TV. I don’t know what happened to turn it around. I’m not feeling 100% yet, probably closer to 75%, but that’s better than before.

My birthday is in two days. I’m not overly excited for it, though I am seeing most of my best friends that night, which will be great, considering I’ve been too self-involved lately to make plans with any of them.

Thirty-one years old.

I wish I could say, “Look how far I’ve come.” While that may be true for some parts of my life, it’s not true in terms of the bipolar. So many med changes, so many suicidal periods, so many thoughts of giving up. They haven’t changed anything.

Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But what is it called when you try different things over and over and keep getting the same results?

 

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