Feeling pretty good actually

Things have taken yet another turn. This time it’s for the better, which is unusual for this blog — so I’m happy to be writing a relatively positive post!

Most of it stems from the fact that I got a new job, which I’m really happy with. It’s at the parent company of my old job, so I knew a few of the people I’m now working closely with. I also get to see my old co-workers a lot, which is great. The job is challenging in a new way,  not the usual stuff I’ve been doing the past few years. I love it.

Just before I started the job, I went to a sleep clinic to see if there was anything scientific behind my inability to get a good night’s sleep. I got the results last week, and everything is normal. Not surprising, but doesn’t really help me. However, since I started the new job, I haven’t taken a single sleeping pill! And interestingly, I’m more tired than I’ve ever been. I still have interrupted sleep, and don’t usually fall asleep until after midnight, but when I am able to (on the weekends) I can literally sleep all the time, which is weird considering how hard it was to sleep before. Not sure what to make of it, but Dr. A thinks this is a good sign, and that once my body gets used to it, I won’t be so tired all the time and I’ll start sleeping earlier.

I haven’t had many lows in the past month, which has been amazing. I’ve been going out more, getting more shit done in my spare time, and not cancelling my plans all the time. I have realized lately that I’ve been moving a little more toward the mania though. Since I went off the mood stabilizer (Lithium), I haven’t really had any highs. It’s been level or low, but not up. Lately it’s been more level or high. It’s worrying me a little, and I’ve been drinking a lot more than normal too, which is not a good thing. My ability to control myself seems to have disappeared, and when I tell myself I’ll just have one drink, I end up getting wasted. Luckily I was able to control myself at the first work Christmas party, and didn’t make a fool of myself as I might have in the past. Two more Christmas parties coming up this week, so hopefully I can keep that self-control in check.

I haven’t had a really bad high yet, other than a few drunken nights. I haven’t done anything out of control — no one-night stands, no excessive shopping or anything. Dr. A is worried about the drinking, and I’m trying to keep things in check, but it’s so difficult sometimes. I know how stupid that sounds.

Anyway, we’re rejigging my meds to try to avoid having to go back on lithium (since I was pretty much devoid of all emotion other than depression when on it). Hopefully it’ll even things out again.

So yeah, things are… okay. Pretty good actually. I’m more excited about things these days. Work is awesome and I’m hanging out with my friends more. I’m even starting to think about dating again. I’ve also gotten some amazing emails in the past couple of months from some readers letting me know they appreciate me writing this blog. I know I say this all the time, but I’m going to try harder. I’m going to put more effort in here, and hopefully more people will get something positive out of all of this.

Thanks for reading, and to those of you who wrote to me, just know that your words mean so much to me, and I promise to get back to you soon — in the meantime, take care of yourselves. Every once in a while things are good, and you really have to take advantage of those times, which is what I’m trying to do right now.


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