Treading water

I know, it’s been almost three years since I’ve written. I didn’t mean for that to happen. If you have bipolar, you know that when you’re down, the last thing you have energy to do is talk about how you’re feeling, let alone write about it. And when you’re up… well, there are better things to do than blog. 

I’m not sure how much I want to write today. I just wanted to say that I’m back. I know, I say that all the time and then disappear. I hope this time is different. Things feel different. I haven’t seen Dr. A in years. I’ve been getting my meds from my physician and that’s been good enough. In fact, I haven’t had a high in ages. And since I haven’t been on mood stabilizers in years (just the Cymbalta), I’m starting to question whether I’m truly bipolar. Or maybe I moved from a rapid cycler to a different form of BP? I’ll do some research and see what I can find. 

All I know is I’m treading water right now, have been for months, trying not to sink into the ocean of depression, and my body is exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep this up before I break. Work is so stressful right now, and it’s all I do. I get home and chain smoke, watch TV and get a few hours of sleep, if I’m lucky. On the weekends, it’s all I can do to get out of bed and eat a meal. I know what you’re thinking – sounds like depression to me. And I suppose it is. High functioning depression, at least when it comes to work. My friends and family are a different story. I barely see them, and when I do I find myself snapping at my parents all the time. Then comes the guilt and shame, leading to more depression.

Anyway, I’m okay for now. Treading the waters of depression is nothing new for me. I just wanted to come here and let you know I’m surviving. I haven’t given up, even if I stop writing. And I hope to be back here often. 

 

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